Dear maker of microwaveable delicacies,
The following is a heartbreaking true tale of a famished hard-working American who just wanted a complete and well-rounded lunch.
While waiting ecstatically for lunch hour to roll around on this fine Thursday morning, I was daydreaming about the deliciously microwaveable Healthy Choice Chicken Parmigiana with caramel apple crisp, "broccoli", and fettuccine pasta I had decided to indulge myself with. I was picturing how I would allow my chicken parmigiana to slowly cool to a mild and edible temperature while enjoying some delicious and nutritious broccoli that would be so elegantly steamed by slicing minute slits in the film cover.
Seeing as how I was running late to work this morning, I was only able to toast a single Pop-tart as I was rushing out of the door. Needless to say, by the time 12:00 PM rolled around I needed satisfaction out of my lunch. As jubilant as I was when that magical hour arrived when both of the hands on my watch were perfectly vertical, my joy was soon to become a mere illusion.
Excited as a school kid sprinting to the lunch line, I opened the freezer delighted that nobody stole my highly prized Health Choice Chicken Parmigiana. I then tore through the cardboard seal protecting the delectable contents within. While sliding out the ingenious microwaveable tray, I notice something terrifying. Much to my dismay, there is a crucial part of the meal gone astray. One whole portion of my meal is utterly empty save for two miserable sprigs of what some may call broccoli! As you could imagine this was an absolutely horrifying sight to behold, so I look everywhere there is to possibly look for the missing broccoli, unable to grasp the enormity of the situation. Could someone have snuck in the box and robbed me of my precious veggies? I think not. I was cheated. I was lied to. I was downright scammed.
Disappointed and glum, knowing that I would never reach the level of satisfaction promised to me by a complete meal, I ate what was left of my dismal dish. To compensate for my feeling of emptiness, I proceeded to binge on Peanut Butter M & M's and Marlboro Blend No. 27's. The emotional and physical trauma suffered by this travesty has left a scar that can never be healed. Now with my entire day ruined, all the strength that I can muster is poured into this letter. Please, for all that is good and wholesome, do what is right. At a minimum, I am humbly asking for a free lifetime supply of Healthy Choice meals. I believe this is a small price to pay for the emotional devastation you have caused.