Stretch marks, vomiting, an inability to sleep, swollen ankles, heartburn and not being able to drink a much needed glass of wine at the end of a tough day are just some of the nasty aspects of being pregnant.
Here’s what they don’t tell you about the maladies of being expecting mother:
Vomiting: “Morning” sickness seems to be an erroneous term for this woe, as most moms-to-be feel sick all day, every day, for months on end. When you’re not pregnant and you’re ill, you usually feel better a day or two after getting over whatever has plagued you. With pregnancy, the nauseated feeling just goes on and on. You can be sitting in an important business meeting and you have this deep need to upchuck, but can’t walk away from the gathering because your boss or an important client is there. You can be driving your car down the highway at 55 mph and the sudden need to wretch hits and you’ve got to pull over. Get in the habit of stowing a spare grocery bag in your purse so that you can just barf into it while commuting.
Forget About Sleeping: From the moment you discover you are pregnant you will never again have a good night’s rest. If you are accustomed to sleeping on your back or belly, you will be most affected this terrible pregnancy burden. The weight of your baby pressing on every organ in your abdomen makes it impossible to sleep on your back, and trying to sleep face down with a burgeoning belly is just as impractical. Pregnancy means you are able to sleep on your side only–which will ache beyond reason after many months of lying on your hips. And forget about trying to switch from one side to another as you get bigger in size, as you’ll find it would be easier to parallel park a Mack truck than turn over in bed.
Crazy Dreams: And when you finally do grab some sleep, you will be plagued by the wildest dreams you have ever had. It might be anything from your baby coming out looking like a hairy monkey to having sex with Brad Pitt.
Incessant Peeing: This wretched problem will afflict you right from the very beginning and doesn’t let up for nine months. The need to pee is constantly overwhelming for a pregnant woman. No matter where you are or what you’re doing, you will need to drop everything and run to the bathroom with incredible speed-and minutes later you will be hit by the same need all over again.
Eating: Food is another problem for pregnant women. There are moments where you are unable to eat anything at all because the smell of everything makes you puke (see above). Later, the fact that your baby is bigger and pushing against all your organs leaves little room for food to fit, so your meal just comes back to greet you in a not so pretty way. You’ll also have weird desires for things like Pop Tarts, chocolate covered raisins dipped in hot sauce and fried Twinkies. Things you’ve never dreamed of eating before will have you sending your hubby out to the 7-Eleven at two in the morning.
Smells Get Smellier: Your sense of smell magnifies 10,000 percent when you are pregnant, and odors that never bothered you before suddenly become nasty. In particular, the scent of food cooking will send you running to the bathroom, especially frying stuff in oil. Some might not even be able to watch the food channel for a few months without puking. And food won’t be the only issue when it comes to bad stenches you will face-a whiff of your partner’s aftershave, or a stranger with a strong-smelling antiperspirant in the grocery aisle is enough to make you want to hurl.
Unending Exhaustion: You will be sitting at your desk at work and you will feel like you’ve just taken half a dozen sleeping pills, as you feel like you’ve got to put your head down for a snooze. At home it’s just more of the same, and you will have a constant need to lay prone while the dishes pile up in the sink. Of course, if this is not your first child and you already have other kids at home, they’re not going to sit around letting you drift off for that much needed nap. They will harass you every moment so that you never get a moment of shut-eye. Keep this in mind before you go get pregnant again.
Maternity Clothes Are Icky!: Thank goodness some decent designers have begun to produce maternity clothes, as they are typically ugly, uncomfortable and wildly expensive. Why would anyone pay $150 for a pair of jeans that will be worn for just 6 months and sport an elastic panel in the front? The type that go under your belly aren’t any more attractive, since your huge stomach will simply drive them down to reveal your new plumber’s crack. The worst maternity clothes features are the silly bows and ties designed to disguise your incredible rotundness. In no way are the designers fooling anyone with this.
What Happened to My Cute Body? Remember those size 2 jeans you wore that turned every man’s head? Get ready to donate those to charity as they will never fit properly again. Even after you successfully manage to lose all the weight, your shape never returns to what it was. Your butt spreads out, you are left with a muffin top belly that no amount of time at the gym will take away, and those once perky boobs you had will be a wreck once that new baby of yours is done breastfeeding. Finally, stretch marks take over, and none of those creams or cocoa butter will get rid of them as promised by those pregnancy magazines. So save your pennies, because it’s all lies. Your stretch marks are here to stay and will eventually lighten up bit after a year or so, but they will always be around to remind you that you had a baby.
Strangers: For some reason, obnoxious people appear far more stupid when you are pregnant. As you are out and about doing your errands, people you don’t even know will come up to you to guess what sex they think your baby will be. They will use every old wives trick devised to speculate if you are having a girl or a boy–even though are telling them you already know the sex as confirmed by an ultrasound. Next you are overtaken by the “pokers.” These are mostly women who have an insatiable need to touch your belly without asking you first if it’s okay. The final straw comes in your last months of pregnancy where people look at your massive belly and inquire if you happen to be having twins or if you are past your due date because you appear so enormous to them. It’s what every woman wants to hear before she heads into the delivery room!